ice cold

i hear the heater in my basement whir to life and i feel it pump hot air through the little brown vent in my room. i pull on my favorite hoodie and step outside. i see wispy, white puffs leave my mouth whenever i exhale. the night is mostly clear with a few unpromising clouds. there is absolutely no chance of december weather, but i close my eyes and see it anyway. 

the same scene, every time.

i see myself. standing under a lamp on a deserted street in a long coat i do not currently possess. i've never even actually seen it except in this dream. my eyes look older than they are now but by how many years, i can't tell. the snow is falling softly in thick little flakes, my long hair is covered in the icy drops. the slick road is indented with tracks from tires that passed by hours before i arrived. i am waiting. for what? not what... who? who am i waiting for? i don't know... but there is an anxious, jumpy feeling in my heart, and it starts to pound. i'm nervous? excited? i walk back and forth and listen to the snow crunch beneath my boots. the anxiety in my chest gets worse.

the same feeling. every year.

i open my eyes. whoever i was waiting for, i don't know. but the anxious feeling i had in my day dream is still in my chest. i am anxious for the snow. i crave the snow. all i need is one good storm to satisfy me. the anxiety is too much...

but the cold weather is here. i can feel it tickle my nose hairs when i breathe in the smells... the smells of winter. winter is coming. winter is almost here. and with it comes the snow. and then maybe this feeling inside me will go away.

maybe