my thoughts are jumbled, but here they are.

chloe and i are finally all settled in to our new little home. we like where we are located and we are happy with the walls and smells in this place. we have two roommates. one named jessica and one named savannah and they are oh, so lovely. the more i get to know them, the more they make me grin. 

today i got excited and nervous for school to start - all at the same time. i also signed up for a polynesian club. because i'm awesome.

i'm going to get a job soon. i don't know where, i don't know how. but i will get it, and i will finally be able to breathe. 

today i spent hours doing dishes, organizing cupboards, scrubbing floors, cooking dinner, putting my room in order, and wiping down counters. i'm not really sure about this "home-maker" side of me that's coming out right now, but i think i like her. she's driven and she gets things done. i'm not expecting her to stay very long, but then again, maybe she found her permanent place in my bones. i wouldn't mind.

i have been shy again lately, and not really willing to let new people in to my bubble. i hope i can change this soon because i'd really like to make some new friends and memorize some new faces. i don't want to be the person who runs out of words to say just because she's afraid they won't taste right coming out of her mouth. people are going to appreciate me for who i really am, i just have to be willing to show them that person. 

i'm not very good at volleyball, but i will learn.

i will like it here in this city, in this apartment. i will. a lot. i just need more time to completely transition. i think we're all a little homesick in our own way. "yet ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions... and i will make an instrument of thee in my hands. 

"and it came to pass that (Brittani) took courage to go forth." 

[Alma 17]

the way to where i'm going

last post i thought i was really funny, but i don't think any of you laughed. at least none of you told me how funny i was.

but i'm in st. george now. i've been here for four days and if i'm being completely honest with everyone... i'm scared out of my wits. this is the first real "independent" step that I feel i am taking. i've never had to pay for things like air conditioning and bath water. i never had to run to the grocery store to get q-tips or safety pins. my job was for fun and to save up for things that i wanted to buy to entertain myself. now i don't even have a job and i desperately need one to pay for actual necessities like groceries and deodorant. i have to work to put gas in my car, i have to work to get an A on my report card (do they even call them report cards?) i have to work to keep my ice cream cold. how am i even equipped to handle all of this? i'm not old enough to do this. i'm not mature enough for all of this. i am completely and utterly terrified of being here right now. 

and yet, here i am. my skirts are hanging up in my new closet and my t-shirts are nicely tucked away in my new dresser. (did i mention that i've never actually had a dresser before!? they're so neat!) i've got my picture of Christ set where i can see it and i've got my blanket that my grandma hilma made me and i've got my stuffed puppy, sunshine, that i stole from my big brother when we were little. my little space has all the potential to make a great home for me. i have the opportunity to be very, very happy here. 

so tomorrow i'll put on my (figurative) big girl panties and i'll start taking steps out into the adult world. and i know that i'm going to end up fine because i've got a very powerful friend on my side. 

but right now i'm just a frightened little girl, who wishes she'd never left home. 

long drive

i'm moving to st. George tonight.

 

here is the theme song for my drive.

 

ctr+c & ctr+v

I feel like I need to write something... anything. but words won't come. at least not ones that mesh the way I'd like them to. I have to pick words that fit exactly right with the feelings or moments that I'm trying to describe, but I don't know if there are words that will help anyone who is reading this understand exactly how I feel. I don't want you to think you understand and I don't want you to be close to understanding. I want my feelings to be copied right from my heart and pasted in this blog post so that you can know perfectly what I feel.

Because I am so happy. and it's not the kind of happiness that just comes out of nowhere and blindsides you. it's a purposeful happiness, it has a reason, it has a name. it gives me direction and shows me who I should be. so I dress myself with a smile each morning and I sometimes keep it on all through the night. my thoughts are positive, excited, shining. my heart is filled like a big helium balloon to the point where if you put anything else in, it will probably pop. it's so completely and so impressively full that you might imagine it would be stiff, and uncomfortable in it's weight. but that's not the case. it is full and at the same time it is sunny, light, and carefree. it feels like soda - fizzy and always sparkling. I don't know how else to describe it. 

blissful, delighted, content, elated. I need better words. someone give me better words! this feeling is... extraordinary. especially since lately I've been experiencing such deep sadness. it's a little bit stupefying to go from such a low point in my life to such a high point... and so quickly, too.

I guess, sometimes in life, we don't have words to describe the way we feel and it's okay because it makes the experience that much sweeter. we can't remember how it feels simply by reading or hearing about it, we have to be with the moment - tasting and digesting it as it comes. in the future, when we're finally living in a perfect world, maybe we'll be able to reach out and touch someone and they will be able to feel exactly what we are feeling, and they will be able to understand with a perfect knowledge the happiness or the sorrow or the apathy that we're experiencing. maybe some day it will be that simple. until that day, I'll do my best to find words that slide together in perfect harmony. some day I'll learn all the right words to say, and I'll create symphonies with the things I type. 

until then, just know...

I'm so happy (:

nothing but a memory

so last post I said that change was coming, and that I was super excited for it. but my change finally showed up and so far it hasn't really been all that exciting. just really hard. and just a lot of it all at once. but I just want to talk about one of them right now.

we're moved out of our house.

I'm not going to lie to you guys, this move has been really hard for me. probably because I've never had to move before and also probably because I've lived in this little house since I was three months old - it's the only home I've ever known. and it may not look like much, but it meant everything to me.

before we left on Saturday, I spent a lot of time walking through each room and reliving memories - happy and sad - that I have kept boxed up in my heart. even some memories that didn't happen in that house, I still associate with that house. it's like a file cabinet, of sorts, where I've hidden the little words and actions that made up the stories that make up my life. they're written there, in the walls and underneath the faded paint and the worn carpet.

if it could speak, the house would tell stories of a young girl finding her way in the world. it would tell of late night talks in her big brother's water bed and playing "G.I. Joes" with her little brother on their blue set table. it would tell you about sliding down old mattresses in the storage room and karaoke on new years eve. it would tell you of birthday parties and Christmases with friends and family. it would tell you of egg wars on Easter and baby pie crusts on Thanksgiving. those walls and windows have so many stories written in them, it could take the better part of eighteen years to listen to them all.

I spent my nights watching the sunset and looking at the stars from the roof, and I learned a lot about who I am and about who my Savior is in those quiet moments to myself. I spent days learning to play guitar, writing poems, and reading books on my front porch or under the shade of my favorite tree. my dog and I played catch in the back yard where the weeds were always too tall. I spent hours experimenting in the kitchen with cousins and friends. I had every curve, line, and bump memorized and could walk the halls blind folded. that house became part of who I am. there's not really words I can write to help you all understand what it means to me, but I feel that this simple "ode to" serves it about as much justice as anything.

i'm just really going to miss it.

the house that built me

june 30, 2013

how many moments in life can you point to and say, "that's when it all changed."

today i had one of those moments. change is coming, and it's going to be oh so sweet.

did i mention that i went to prom?

next on the list of things to write about: there was the time that (even though i didn't think i wanted to) i went to...

[[wait for it]]

 *cue dramatic music:

SENIOR PROM 

so here's the thing about me... i'm not very girly. i don't like dress shopping or high heels or taking hours to get ready or any of the other things i was convinced that i would have to do if i ended up going to prom. so, at first, i was openly against attending. and it didn't make it any better that my best friend chelle wasn't going to be there either. who was i supposed to get ready with? who was going to be weird with me?

but all my other friends said, "you'll be sad if you don't go to your senior prom!" and i realized they were probably right. 

so i borrowed a dress from one of my friends and a nice pair of sandals from another. then i called up the sweetest boy i knew and had him escort me. for the day date, we had a picnic up the canyon with the rest of the seniors in my class, and then i went home to take a nap. (yes. i napped instead of using all my precious time to primp). i took a whole thirty minutes to get ready and then prince charming came to pick me up. we got pictures taken and drove to the little building where the event was being held. we ate some food and make small talk with other couples and then, well...

we danced
and we cried
and we laughed
and had a really, really, really good time. 

then as soon as it was over, my boy and i hopped into his car and bailed so hard. we went home and put sweats on and went to dennys and i ate a brownie with bacon on it and we talked and laughed and i was very happy but also very sleepy (i'm always sleepy). so he took me home and kissed me goodnight and told me about how he thought i was the prettiest girl (:

it was kind of like a fairytale, i think. maybe better. 

please ignore my stupid gimpy eye. i can never get it to behave normally. mostly this picture is to show off my handsome date.

 

 and this one is to convince you that we were the awesomest couple ever

 

the end

[[ps - more about the handsomly dressed lad in a later post]]