Here's an enchanting "first" to add to the books...

Well kids, there's really no easy way to tell you this...

I'm a murderer now. 

I can't really say where I went wrong. The evening started off like any other. Chicken sandwiches for dinner with Druw and McKell, Ricky's softball game with Jared; followed by a peaceful round of Talisman in the Stephenson kitchen. 
(I lost, by the way. This may have have spiked my murderous rage).

We gave hugs and parted ways. My drive home was monotonous and uneventful... until the moment when it all changed. My favorite song had just come on the radio and I was reaching down to turn up the volume so I could hardcore jam when...

FOR THE LOVE!?

I gasped as my headlights caught the outline of some psychotic feline who had somehow deduced that playing chicken with cars on winding roads late at night was good form. I SLAMMED on my breaks and tried to veer out of the way.

My efforts were in vain.

*THUD*

Its body made contact with the bottom of my car and my back left tire, respectively. I swear I could almost feel its spirit depart from this world.

I pulled off to the side of the road - panicking. My pulse was racing, I was wide-eyed, panting, hands shaking...

I had just ended a life.

I had just ended a life.

But wait, it gets worse.

For some offbeat reason, I thought that I might feel better if I could just drive back to see for sure if I had run it over. 
After all, one can never be too careful when it comes to these things.

I drove that stretch of road slowly and carefully - looking for any and all signs of kitten pancake. 

There were no remains.

I didn't feel any better.

I frantically checked between the tires and under the hood of my car because maybe just maybe if the cat was lodged into the frame of my vehicle, I could free it and rush to an emergency vet. Somehow, I knew that I would beat the odds and arrive in the nick of time before it bled out on my passenger seat. 
(Even though I had no idea where an emergency vet might be located...) 
I was going to be the hero, gosh dangit. 

But alas, I was fresh out of luck. There were no signs of dying cat anywhere in the crevices of my tires or under my hood.
(Although for a brief second, I thought that I heard a chilling "meow" for help. It was my guilty subconscious, I'm sure).

Horrified, I drove the stretch of road slowly, one more time.

Nothing.

Which means that somehow that poor cat survived the 38mph force of my little dodge neon and skulked off into the woods somewhere to die a slow and painful death. 

For a brief moment, I imagined it heaped in a pile of leaves somewhere... disfigured, bleeding, sobbing for mercy, begging to have the pain end...

I shuddered and called Ricky in hopes that he would provide me with words of comfort, or perhaps some palliative musings on the life of the departed.

His eulogy? 

"Well... You're a murderer now."

So, apparently that's all there is left for me.

Watch your backs, I guess.

#sothankful

this thanksgiving weekend was particularly awesome because my momma and my little brother came down to sunny st. george to celebrate with me. i thought that they weren't coming, so i was pleasantly surprised. 

we had a splendid feast at my grandmother's home. then we skyped my favorite big brother for a couple of hours. as you can see, we had a great time.

By the time we got done with our skype call, it was about one, so I headed back to my apartment.

then i got to spend all black friday with them, too. we were gonna go see ender’s game, but it was sold out. It was probably  bad call to leave the house on black friday, anyway. So instead, we got a movie from red box and watched it on my grandma’s TV and ate turkey leftovers and snuggled on her couch. i felt so warm and safe cuddled up between my mom and my brother.

we got café rio for dinner and snuggled some more. then it was getting late so druw went to bed but i stayed up until 03:00 with my mom, just talking. it was so nice. i didn’t want to go home, even though I could barely keep my eyes open, because I knew that if I left, it meant she would be going home.

that’s the hardest part of having your family come visit.

they’re just visiting.

they have to leave.

but i’m seriously so grateful for the time that i got to spend with them. i would do anything for my family and i’m so lucky to have mine. i miss them so much but i’m so blessed to get to spend eternity with them. my heart is full this thanksgiving. i hope you all took some time to count your blessings this week. we take too many things for granted when we have them. 

i am so grateful for my family. i wouldn't be me if it weren't for them.

excuses, like socks, are worn by all

I’ve been making way too many excuses for why i haven’t been writing and most of them are “my thoughts are too jumbled.”

Well guess what, y’all?

My thoughts are still jumbled. And frankly I don’t think that’s gonna change any time soon.

And I’m TOTALLY done making excuses. So whateva.

I think that’s one of the beautiful parts of being a human being. You take your jumbled thoughts and then it’s your job to sort them and help them make sense. And it’s not always easy… but isn’t that the best part? Because, after all, what's easy that’s ever really worth it? Nothing that I can think of. Everything worth getting to takes work.

Yup.

So it’s like… I’m registering for fall courses online right now…

And for some reason, some wise guy decided to schedule every single class in the same 7 hour window. So I’m kind of having a rough time "fine tuning" my schedule.

Well anyway I can’t stop listening to this song.

It’s like… supah cute.

All I can think about is “one day, I hope someone looks into my eyes and feels all the chords of this song rolling like guitar strings in their bones. Cause that would be pretty dang awesome.”

Also, the lyrics.

But especially the chords. They’re just… so happy, you know? 

And that’s all I hafta say about that.

Did I mention that my star is out now? J

Winter is coming.

I always have mixed feelings about winter. I get so anxious because cold weather means snow and snow means falling in love. Not necessarily with people (although sometimes, yes.) but mostly falling in love with my world again. Snow makes everything new. It makes driving new, it makes walking to class new, it makes the sunsets newer and brighter. New things make me anxious, and love makes me anxious. But I also love it. Winter feels like home to me. Winter is remembering –it’s nostalgia that hits like icy snow drifts with every sight and smell. It’s regretting and it’s hoping. And I’m a romantic so pain and wistfulness are beautiful to me. That is why winter will always be my favorite month.

And it’s coming.

Yay.

But I’m busy and stuff. So those are all the words I have for you today.

Have I ever mentioned that I love fragments?

Cause I do.

J

i'm sad, but tuesday is the best day of my week

i so miss you. 

i can't stop listening to josh groban.

my heart aches.

i've also been slowly churning out the christmas carols. my roommate wants to grind my bones to dust, but... tis the season. so whatever. :)

i'm starting a new chapter in my life, even though none of you got to read the last one.

i don't really have the energy (or desire) to organize my thoughts right now, but here are some bits and pieces of my life so far here at Dixie State.

sorry for the long silence. but just so you know, we've still got it going on in apartment number six. sometimes our dishes go crazy and sometimes we have to yank hair clogs out of the shower drain, but whenever we reach the end of our ropes, we tie knots in them and hang on. living is... quite the experience. 

for three months now my territory has been claimed by 68 pictures of things and people i love. i sticky-tacked them to my cinder block wall and they greet me every time i walk into my bedroom.

if you ever come for a visit, there is one thing that you will see and for sure ask questions about. my champion window. so let me just explain that now. here at brookmont, we understand that sharing is caring. we have a little laundry hut where we share washers and dryers with the other tenants, so every once in a while i will end up with a stray sock or a pair of panties that does not belong to me. uncomfortable, you think? not so! i find it quite funny and so i hang them from my blinds. they are my trophies. (for those of you living at brookmont, if you are missing a pair of polka-dotty/lacey blue panties, they are hanging from my window. you may reclaim them if you so desire). please refrain from judging me, i find the oddest ways to amuse myself. it's how i get through the days.

it also helps that i meet great new people every day. sometimes i just pick up a random conversation with someone while walking to my next class, and sometimes i'm introduced to a new face through a mutual friend. matt, cody, miah, chris, lindsley, megan, tabitha, olivia, sabrina, dee, andrew, logan, britney, shawn, cami, tara, jordan, kelvin, brad, fish, ryan raymond ross, tanner... they're all incredible. everyone in my ward is awesome. so are the people in my institute classes. their faces are radiant and their spirits are familiar and comfortable to me. the people here make me euphoric. 

so there's that.

okay, story time. 

for those of you who don't know, i was hired on as a delivery girl at pizza hut. 

(that's jess, my roommate. she is a manager there. i look like a little kid in this picture. whateva)

it was a great job because i spent a lot of time just listening to music in my car and sightseeing st. george. it was also great because my car smelled like baked cheese and hot wings 100% of the time, which all the guys found super appealing (not). unfortunately, as you know, every job has its good parts and its bad parts. i ended up putting in my two weeks after a miscommunication concerning availability between my manager and i. according to my memory, i had asked her when i was interviewing if they were okay with my availability (no Sundays/Tuesdays and no mornings on weekdays) and she had told me that, "of course they were willing to work around my availability. they are very flexible with hours" etc, etc. long story short, i ended up getting scheduled for a Sunday shift. when i called in and told her that i was not available on Sundays, she told me that everyone has to take their turns working on Sunday. after lots of prayers and unsuccessfully trying to find someone who could cover my shift, i ended up going in on Sunday. 

you guys.

it was the hardest thing i've ever done.

not only did i cry for 3 hours after getting my answer, but i cried for and hour before going into work and then i cried for two hours after i got off. 

some people can work on Sundays and stay strong in the faith and feel fine with it. let me tell you: if you are one of those people i admire you. i cannot do it. it was so draining to my spirit. at the time, i couldn't understand why the Lord would direct me to work on Sunday. to be honest, i was totally gung-ho to call in and quit right then and there and tell them that my religion was more important to me than my job. i wanted to keep the commandments. i was ready to show the Lord that i would choose him over anything. 

that's not what He wanted for me. He had something else to teach me. i am grateful for His lesson in patience and understanding, but i am more grateful for the reassurance that i never have to go back there again. i learned what i was supposed to. praise Him for that.

anyway :) i put in my two weeks and finished my time there in a respectful and positive way. i was sad to leave my new friends, and it was trying to my faith... not know if i would have a source of income in order to pay my bills and feed myself, but i know that the Lord always provides for those who follow His words. i am happy to announce that i found an even better job. i was hired on for seasonal help at sees candy making $9.50 an hour. isn't that great!? 

but in honor of my time at pizza hut, i've compiled a list of things that i learned while driving for them. in order to make things a little bit easier for my fellow pizza deliverers across the nation, i hope you will read my words and follow my advice. here goes.

things you should take into consideration when ordering a pizza:

if you're going to yell at the delivery girl no matter what she does to placate you, don't call back unless it's to apologize.

don't order anchovies, even if you think you like them. you don't. they smell like toe fungus and can't taste all that good, either. your poor delivery girl had to gag all the way down riverside drive to your apartment, and the stench is still present on her passenger seat cushion. she's not happy.  

to all the morticians out there: i used to think you were creepy. thank you for proving me wrong. 

to anyone who is under the impression that morticians are creepy: morticians are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. 

please don't place a web order for a delivery pizza if you don't know your own address. you can't just make up a fake address for a delivery. furthermore, don't blame your delivery girl when she's late getting it to you. she just spent 20 minutes trying to find the address you gave her. guess what? it didn't exist.

don't ask your delivery person to go around to your back door or come down to your basement. it's creepy under all circumstances. your pizza is being brought straight to your house. the least you can do is walk to the front door, does your laziness know no bounds!? (unless you can't walk, then this doesn't apply to you and i am horribly sorry for your disability)

if you order over $50 of pizza and drinks and don't tip your delivery boy/girl, it really is like a slap in the face. even stingy $1-$2 tips are insulting. tip your delivery people as if they were your server at your favorite restaurant. we only make $4/hr and we need your help to pay for college and the occasional grinder combo from nielsons (which we love). 

lastly, don't tell us to "come in" when we're delivering to your hotel room. we can't open your door - we'd need a key for that. we don't have a key for that. not to mention our hands and arms are full of pizza and credit card receipts. help us help you.

anyway. 

thank you, to the big tippers out there. it's because of you that i've been eating the past three months. thank you to the people who were understanding when your deliveries got there late that one Friday night because my tire popped and my coworker had to deliver them all even though she's never done that before. thank you to the people who let their little girl answer the door and tell me all about what she's going to do for her grandpa's birthday party. she was adorable. thank you to all the people who didn't yell when you had every right to. thank you to the angry road rage guy who called back to apologize for scaring the life out of my eyes, even though i completely cut you off and didn't realize it. and lastly, thank you to my coworkers for making me laugh and for telling me your engagement stories and for not rolling your eyes when i asked a million stupid questions and mostly for being my friends.

i'm off to new places. but i'll never forget the old memories because i learned so much and they meant everything to me. 

i love this life. 

we thank thee, oh God

one year older and wiser too

the mouth piece of God

the leader of the church i love

and one of my personal heroes.

i love you, dear prophet.

happy birthday president thomas spencer monson.

i don't know much...

but i do know that:

i can see the temple from my apartment window

frozen custard makes my stomach smile

ron pope and rosi golan have beautiful voices and, more importantly, beautiful lyrics.

the D on the mountain is toward the west. i now have my bearings here in this little town.

you can almost always find a place to get free food. most of the time, it's in the institute building. freshman fifteen, here i come.

it's easiest to play guitar when your fingernails are cut short

i am liking each little piece of my college life so far. 

there is someone i am missing very much. but he put my name in the temple again today, so i'm going to be okay. we're going to be okay.

the people in my institute class are spiritual giants. i will be well fed by them

despite the heat, the sun's rays will not actually melt my tires. 

i tear up when i listen to "called to serve"

i discover brand new things every single day. there is so much for me to learn. 

also, this gospel is true. every single day.  

my thoughts are jumbled, but here they are.

chloe and i are finally all settled in to our new little home. we like where we are located and we are happy with the walls and smells in this place. we have two roommates. one named jessica and one named savannah and they are oh, so lovely. the more i get to know them, the more they make me grin. 

today i got excited and nervous for school to start - all at the same time. i also signed up for a polynesian club. because i'm awesome.

i'm going to get a job soon. i don't know where, i don't know how. but i will get it, and i will finally be able to breathe. 

today i spent hours doing dishes, organizing cupboards, scrubbing floors, cooking dinner, putting my room in order, and wiping down counters. i'm not really sure about this "home-maker" side of me that's coming out right now, but i think i like her. she's driven and she gets things done. i'm not expecting her to stay very long, but then again, maybe she found her permanent place in my bones. i wouldn't mind.

i have been shy again lately, and not really willing to let new people in to my bubble. i hope i can change this soon because i'd really like to make some new friends and memorize some new faces. i don't want to be the person who runs out of words to say just because she's afraid they won't taste right coming out of her mouth. people are going to appreciate me for who i really am, i just have to be willing to show them that person. 

i'm not very good at volleyball, but i will learn.

i will like it here in this city, in this apartment. i will. a lot. i just need more time to completely transition. i think we're all a little homesick in our own way. "yet ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions... and i will make an instrument of thee in my hands. 

"and it came to pass that (Brittani) took courage to go forth." 

[Alma 17]

the way to where i'm going

last post i thought i was really funny, but i don't think any of you laughed. at least none of you told me how funny i was.

but i'm in st. george now. i've been here for four days and if i'm being completely honest with everyone... i'm scared out of my wits. this is the first real "independent" step that I feel i am taking. i've never had to pay for things like air conditioning and bath water. i never had to run to the grocery store to get q-tips or safety pins. my job was for fun and to save up for things that i wanted to buy to entertain myself. now i don't even have a job and i desperately need one to pay for actual necessities like groceries and deodorant. i have to work to put gas in my car, i have to work to get an A on my report card (do they even call them report cards?) i have to work to keep my ice cream cold. how am i even equipped to handle all of this? i'm not old enough to do this. i'm not mature enough for all of this. i am completely and utterly terrified of being here right now. 

and yet, here i am. my skirts are hanging up in my new closet and my t-shirts are nicely tucked away in my new dresser. (did i mention that i've never actually had a dresser before!? they're so neat!) i've got my picture of Christ set where i can see it and i've got my blanket that my grandma hilma made me and i've got my stuffed puppy, sunshine, that i stole from my big brother when we were little. my little space has all the potential to make a great home for me. i have the opportunity to be very, very happy here. 

so tomorrow i'll put on my (figurative) big girl panties and i'll start taking steps out into the adult world. and i know that i'm going to end up fine because i've got a very powerful friend on my side. 

but right now i'm just a frightened little girl, who wishes she'd never left home. 

long drive

i'm moving to st. George tonight.

 

here is the theme song for my drive.

 

ctr+c & ctr+v

I feel like I need to write something... anything. but words won't come. at least not ones that mesh the way I'd like them to. I have to pick words that fit exactly right with the feelings or moments that I'm trying to describe, but I don't know if there are words that will help anyone who is reading this understand exactly how I feel. I don't want you to think you understand and I don't want you to be close to understanding. I want my feelings to be copied right from my heart and pasted in this blog post so that you can know perfectly what I feel.

Because I am so happy. and it's not the kind of happiness that just comes out of nowhere and blindsides you. it's a purposeful happiness, it has a reason, it has a name. it gives me direction and shows me who I should be. so I dress myself with a smile each morning and I sometimes keep it on all through the night. my thoughts are positive, excited, shining. my heart is filled like a big helium balloon to the point where if you put anything else in, it will probably pop. it's so completely and so impressively full that you might imagine it would be stiff, and uncomfortable in it's weight. but that's not the case. it is full and at the same time it is sunny, light, and carefree. it feels like soda - fizzy and always sparkling. I don't know how else to describe it. 

blissful, delighted, content, elated. I need better words. someone give me better words! this feeling is... extraordinary. especially since lately I've been experiencing such deep sadness. it's a little bit stupefying to go from such a low point in my life to such a high point... and so quickly, too.

I guess, sometimes in life, we don't have words to describe the way we feel and it's okay because it makes the experience that much sweeter. we can't remember how it feels simply by reading or hearing about it, we have to be with the moment - tasting and digesting it as it comes. in the future, when we're finally living in a perfect world, maybe we'll be able to reach out and touch someone and they will be able to feel exactly what we are feeling, and they will be able to understand with a perfect knowledge the happiness or the sorrow or the apathy that we're experiencing. maybe some day it will be that simple. until that day, I'll do my best to find words that slide together in perfect harmony. some day I'll learn all the right words to say, and I'll create symphonies with the things I type. 

until then, just know...

I'm so happy (:

nothing but a memory

so last post I said that change was coming, and that I was super excited for it. but my change finally showed up and so far it hasn't really been all that exciting. just really hard. and just a lot of it all at once. but I just want to talk about one of them right now.

we're moved out of our house.

I'm not going to lie to you guys, this move has been really hard for me. probably because I've never had to move before and also probably because I've lived in this little house since I was three months old - it's the only home I've ever known. and it may not look like much, but it meant everything to me.

before we left on Saturday, I spent a lot of time walking through each room and reliving memories - happy and sad - that I have kept boxed up in my heart. even some memories that didn't happen in that house, I still associate with that house. it's like a file cabinet, of sorts, where I've hidden the little words and actions that made up the stories that make up my life. they're written there, in the walls and underneath the faded paint and the worn carpet.

if it could speak, the house would tell stories of a young girl finding her way in the world. it would tell of late night talks in her big brother's water bed and playing "G.I. Joes" with her little brother on their blue set table. it would tell you about sliding down old mattresses in the storage room and karaoke on new years eve. it would tell you of birthday parties and Christmases with friends and family. it would tell you of egg wars on Easter and baby pie crusts on Thanksgiving. those walls and windows have so many stories written in them, it could take the better part of eighteen years to listen to them all.

I spent my nights watching the sunset and looking at the stars from the roof, and I learned a lot about who I am and about who my Savior is in those quiet moments to myself. I spent days learning to play guitar, writing poems, and reading books on my front porch or under the shade of my favorite tree. my dog and I played catch in the back yard where the weeds were always too tall. I spent hours experimenting in the kitchen with cousins and friends. I had every curve, line, and bump memorized and could walk the halls blind folded. that house became part of who I am. there's not really words I can write to help you all understand what it means to me, but I feel that this simple "ode to" serves it about as much justice as anything.

i'm just really going to miss it.

the house that built me

june 30, 2013

how many moments in life can you point to and say, "that's when it all changed."

today i had one of those moments. change is coming, and it's going to be oh so sweet.

did i mention that i went to prom?

next on the list of things to write about: there was the time that (even though i didn't think i wanted to) i went to...

[[wait for it]]

 *cue dramatic music:

SENIOR PROM 

so here's the thing about me... i'm not very girly. i don't like dress shopping or high heels or taking hours to get ready or any of the other things i was convinced that i would have to do if i ended up going to prom. so, at first, i was openly against attending. and it didn't make it any better that my best friend chelle wasn't going to be there either. who was i supposed to get ready with? who was going to be weird with me?

but all my other friends said, "you'll be sad if you don't go to your senior prom!" and i realized they were probably right. 

so i borrowed a dress from one of my friends and a nice pair of sandals from another. then i called up the sweetest boy i knew and had him escort me. for the day date, we had a picnic up the canyon with the rest of the seniors in my class, and then i went home to take a nap. (yes. i napped instead of using all my precious time to primp). i took a whole thirty minutes to get ready and then prince charming came to pick me up. we got pictures taken and drove to the little building where the event was being held. we ate some food and make small talk with other couples and then, well...

we danced
and we cried
and we laughed
and had a really, really, really good time. 

then as soon as it was over, my boy and i hopped into his car and bailed so hard. we went home and put sweats on and went to dennys and i ate a brownie with bacon on it and we talked and laughed and i was very happy but also very sleepy (i'm always sleepy). so he took me home and kissed me goodnight and told me about how he thought i was the prettiest girl (:

it was kind of like a fairytale, i think. maybe better. 

please ignore my stupid gimpy eye. i can never get it to behave normally. mostly this picture is to show off my handsome date.

 

 and this one is to convince you that we were the awesomest couple ever

 

the end

[[ps - more about the handsomly dressed lad in a later post]]

we'll start with the time I....

so since i disappeared for a few months i'm going to periodically catch you up on what's been going on in my life. but fair warning, i don't expect it to go in any order, and you shouldn't either. since i've got quite a few things to write about, i'll just start wherever feels right...

how about the time i graduated from seminary

that's a really low quality picture, i know. but i felt so cool with my seminary diploma. it was a big deal for me. and here's the story of why.

for those of you who know me well enough, i've told you at least (big emphasis on the least) once about my stomach pain. i know, some of you are unbelievably sick of hearing about it. but even though people are tired of listening to my problems it hasn't made them go away. it never will. i am doing significantly better now, but for a long time i didn't know how to handle my pain. so i skipped school - seminary included. 

most of my teachers were very understanding, and were willing to work with me on assignments i had missed. but the hands of my seminary teachers were tied. although they were sympathetic toward my pain, they still had to follow the rules of attendance set forth by the leaders of our church. so, i could make up my seminary credit, but only when i had completed the required number of lessons corresponding with the number of days i had missed.

unfortunately, i didn't see the immediate benefits of completing my seminary courses. i was under a lot of stress to make up the credit from my other classes; this just didn't seem as pressing as the other things i was dealing with. i had a testimony of the gospel and i read and studied my scriptures regularly. yes, i loved being in seminary, but i couldn't see the benefits of making it up alone. how was i supposed to learn without a teacher there to show me the way and to inspire me?

well kids, it is about that time when the moral of the story comes in to play. 

this year, my teacher, brother boucher, came up to me and told me that he had taken special note of my three incomplete years of seminary. his solution? get me graduated regardless of all that. brother boucher had been one of the best teachers i'd ever met, and i felt very inspired that what he was telling me to do was the absolute best thing for me. shortly thereafter, as i was taking a little service vacation in mexico city, i decided that i wanted to serve a mission. and all the other puzzle pieces started falling into place.

so i started doing the make-up lessons, and the things that i studied and new knowledge i gained... they were incredible. i felt happy and fulfilled. i made up all three failed years of seminary with a little persistence and a lot of encouragement from friends and teachers. it was then that i realized - we always have a teacher with us, wherever we go. the spirit is waiting and ready to teach us unimaginable things if we just open our hearts and minds.

i couldn't have been happier when my graduation day finally came, and i was sitting next to my bishop in the chapel of my stake center preparing to receive my diploma. the spirit burned in my heart as the graduating youth sang the as sisters in zion and we'll bring the world his truth medley. and when i finally walked across that stage with a giant smile on my face, i realized that this was the first big step i was taking in preparation for my mission, and it felt REALLY good.

my thoughts turned to whoever i would be serving for those rapidly approaching 18 months, and i knew that i hadn't done the makeup work for my teachers or for my parents or even for myself. i did it for them. someone out there somewhere is waiting for me, and i am getting ready to find them. 

and find them i will. 

it's summer time and i promise i'll start posting more

pretty soon i'll pick up posting like a normal blogger. i'm sorry that it's been so long... if anyone out there is still reading (: i'll post pictures from graduation and from all the other things i've been up to in the past four months. it's been pretty crazy. i'm growing up too fast.

for now, enjoy this incredible song by taylor swift. i admit that i cried when she sang this at her concert. so much raw emotion, i adore it. i still cry listening to it. how can you write a hearbreak into the words and chords of a song? i don't know, but tay tay clearly does. 

i'll talk to you again soon

eat pray love

"But I love him."

"So love him." 

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You're just afraid to let go because then you'll be really alone, and you're scared to death of what will happen if you're really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using him to block that door. Let it go."

im smitten

i've found a new love. and some day i'd like to master it.

it's called spoken word poetry or performance poetry. and it's incredibly beautiful.  

"it involves creating poetry, that doesn't just want to sit on paper. something about it demands it be heard out loud or witnessed in person."

my favorites so far are Sarah Kay and Shane Koyczan. Oh, words. how i love you. (:

so yeah. but this is only the beginning

many of you may not know, but i am currently in the process of emptying my home in an attempt to move. but to move we have to sell our old house before finding a new one. in order to do that, we have to "stage" our home by removing all personal belongings so that potential buyers will feel comfortable strolling around our bedrooms. 

aka - spring cleaning came early for me. i've been going through a lot of my old papers (deciding what to keep and what to toss). there are a lot of good memories in my little box of "things to keep"

this particular memory was a favorited gem. it was a little manilla envelop, sealed shut that greeted me with an affectionate:

and i thought, "lucky me!" 

so i broke the seal, and what did i find inside? a picture from my past, and a note from a former primary teacher, reminding me to live the gospel and hoping i was still on the path to being continuously worthy to enter the temple. and i don't think there are many things sweeter than that.

i couldn't help but giggle at the picture and fall in love with my awkward stage all over again. it's too bad that all good things must come to an end, i'm sure i'd have plenty of suitors lined up at my door had i still looked like this 

 (sorry for the way bad quality)

i've come a long way 

and no one remembers the final score

for all of those who don't know, i play basketball with some of the most amazing girls in the whole world, and this year, our team kind of had an amazing season. here are our stats.

Game 1: 38 – 11 (AHS-W)
Game 2: 43 – 22 (AHS-W)
Game 3: 54 – 16 (AHS-W)
Game 4: 57 – 16 (AHS-W)
Game 5: 85 – 16 (AHS-W)
Game 6: 47 – 4 (AHS-W)
Game 7: 38 – 18 (AHS-W)
Game 8: 36 – 33 (AHS-W)
Game 9: 35 – 22 (AHS-W)
Game 10: 61 – 10 (AHS-W)
Game 11: 57 – 41 (AHS-W)

in case you didn't notice, that means that we were undefeated. and then we had a tournament. and even though the championship game was a little stressful the first half, and we were losing...
we pulled it off, and claimed our victor's title. 

 (from left to right): assistant coach regan bailey gull, coach brooke bailey, assistant coach lacey monson

we are the champions