Here's an enchanting "first" to add to the books...

Well kids, there's really no easy way to tell you this...

I'm a murderer now. 

I can't really say where I went wrong. The evening started off like any other. Chicken sandwiches for dinner with Druw and McKell, Ricky's softball game with Jared; followed by a peaceful round of Talisman in the Stephenson kitchen. 
(I lost, by the way. This may have have spiked my murderous rage).

We gave hugs and parted ways. My drive home was monotonous and uneventful... until the moment when it all changed. My favorite song had just come on the radio and I was reaching down to turn up the volume so I could hardcore jam when...

FOR THE LOVE!?

I gasped as my headlights caught the outline of some psychotic feline who had somehow deduced that playing chicken with cars on winding roads late at night was good form. I SLAMMED on my breaks and tried to veer out of the way.

My efforts were in vain.

*THUD*

Its body made contact with the bottom of my car and my back left tire, respectively. I swear I could almost feel its spirit depart from this world.

I pulled off to the side of the road - panicking. My pulse was racing, I was wide-eyed, panting, hands shaking...

I had just ended a life.

I had just ended a life.

But wait, it gets worse.

For some offbeat reason, I thought that I might feel better if I could just drive back to see for sure if I had run it over. 
After all, one can never be too careful when it comes to these things.

I drove that stretch of road slowly and carefully - looking for any and all signs of kitten pancake. 

There were no remains.

I didn't feel any better.

I frantically checked between the tires and under the hood of my car because maybe just maybe if the cat was lodged into the frame of my vehicle, I could free it and rush to an emergency vet. Somehow, I knew that I would beat the odds and arrive in the nick of time before it bled out on my passenger seat. 
(Even though I had no idea where an emergency vet might be located...) 
I was going to be the hero, gosh dangit. 

But alas, I was fresh out of luck. There were no signs of dying cat anywhere in the crevices of my tires or under my hood.
(Although for a brief second, I thought that I heard a chilling "meow" for help. It was my guilty subconscious, I'm sure).

Horrified, I drove the stretch of road slowly, one more time.

Nothing.

Which means that somehow that poor cat survived the 38mph force of my little dodge neon and skulked off into the woods somewhere to die a slow and painful death. 

For a brief moment, I imagined it heaped in a pile of leaves somewhere... disfigured, bleeding, sobbing for mercy, begging to have the pain end...

I shuddered and called Ricky in hopes that he would provide me with words of comfort, or perhaps some palliative musings on the life of the departed.

His eulogy? 

"Well... You're a murderer now."

So, apparently that's all there is left for me.

Watch your backs, I guess.

#sothankful

this thanksgiving weekend was particularly awesome because my momma and my little brother came down to sunny st. george to celebrate with me. i thought that they weren't coming, so i was pleasantly surprised. 

we had a splendid feast at my grandmother's home. then we skyped my favorite big brother for a couple of hours. as you can see, we had a great time.

By the time we got done with our skype call, it was about one, so I headed back to my apartment.

then i got to spend all black friday with them, too. we were gonna go see ender’s game, but it was sold out. It was probably  bad call to leave the house on black friday, anyway. So instead, we got a movie from red box and watched it on my grandma’s TV and ate turkey leftovers and snuggled on her couch. i felt so warm and safe cuddled up between my mom and my brother.

we got café rio for dinner and snuggled some more. then it was getting late so druw went to bed but i stayed up until 03:00 with my mom, just talking. it was so nice. i didn’t want to go home, even though I could barely keep my eyes open, because I knew that if I left, it meant she would be going home.

that’s the hardest part of having your family come visit.

they’re just visiting.

they have to leave.

but i’m seriously so grateful for the time that i got to spend with them. i would do anything for my family and i’m so lucky to have mine. i miss them so much but i’m so blessed to get to spend eternity with them. my heart is full this thanksgiving. i hope you all took some time to count your blessings this week. we take too many things for granted when we have them. 

i am so grateful for my family. i wouldn't be me if it weren't for them.

excuses, like socks, are worn by all

I’ve been making way too many excuses for why i haven’t been writing and most of them are “my thoughts are too jumbled.”

Well guess what, y’all?

My thoughts are still jumbled. And frankly I don’t think that’s gonna change any time soon.

And I’m TOTALLY done making excuses. So whateva.

I think that’s one of the beautiful parts of being a human being. You take your jumbled thoughts and then it’s your job to sort them and help them make sense. And it’s not always easy… but isn’t that the best part? Because, after all, what's easy that’s ever really worth it? Nothing that I can think of. Everything worth getting to takes work.

Yup.

So it’s like… I’m registering for fall courses online right now…

And for some reason, some wise guy decided to schedule every single class in the same 7 hour window. So I’m kind of having a rough time "fine tuning" my schedule.

Well anyway I can’t stop listening to this song.

It’s like… supah cute.

All I can think about is “one day, I hope someone looks into my eyes and feels all the chords of this song rolling like guitar strings in their bones. Cause that would be pretty dang awesome.”

Also, the lyrics.

But especially the chords. They’re just… so happy, you know? 

And that’s all I hafta say about that.

Did I mention that my star is out now? J

Winter is coming.

I always have mixed feelings about winter. I get so anxious because cold weather means snow and snow means falling in love. Not necessarily with people (although sometimes, yes.) but mostly falling in love with my world again. Snow makes everything new. It makes driving new, it makes walking to class new, it makes the sunsets newer and brighter. New things make me anxious, and love makes me anxious. But I also love it. Winter feels like home to me. Winter is remembering –it’s nostalgia that hits like icy snow drifts with every sight and smell. It’s regretting and it’s hoping. And I’m a romantic so pain and wistfulness are beautiful to me. That is why winter will always be my favorite month.

And it’s coming.

Yay.

But I’m busy and stuff. So those are all the words I have for you today.

Have I ever mentioned that I love fragments?

Cause I do.

J

i'm sad, but tuesday is the best day of my week

i so miss you. 

i can't stop listening to josh groban.

my heart aches.

i've also been slowly churning out the christmas carols. my roommate wants to grind my bones to dust, but... tis the season. so whatever. :)

i'm starting a new chapter in my life, even though none of you got to read the last one.

i don't really have the energy (or desire) to organize my thoughts right now, but here are some bits and pieces of my life so far here at Dixie State.

sorry for the long silence. but just so you know, we've still got it going on in apartment number six. sometimes our dishes go crazy and sometimes we have to yank hair clogs out of the shower drain, but whenever we reach the end of our ropes, we tie knots in them and hang on. living is... quite the experience. 

for three months now my territory has been claimed by 68 pictures of things and people i love. i sticky-tacked them to my cinder block wall and they greet me every time i walk into my bedroom.

if you ever come for a visit, there is one thing that you will see and for sure ask questions about. my champion window. so let me just explain that now. here at brookmont, we understand that sharing is caring. we have a little laundry hut where we share washers and dryers with the other tenants, so every once in a while i will end up with a stray sock or a pair of panties that does not belong to me. uncomfortable, you think? not so! i find it quite funny and so i hang them from my blinds. they are my trophies. (for those of you living at brookmont, if you are missing a pair of polka-dotty/lacey blue panties, they are hanging from my window. you may reclaim them if you so desire). please refrain from judging me, i find the oddest ways to amuse myself. it's how i get through the days.

it also helps that i meet great new people every day. sometimes i just pick up a random conversation with someone while walking to my next class, and sometimes i'm introduced to a new face through a mutual friend. matt, cody, miah, chris, lindsley, megan, tabitha, olivia, sabrina, dee, andrew, logan, britney, shawn, cami, tara, jordan, kelvin, brad, fish, ryan raymond ross, tanner... they're all incredible. everyone in my ward is awesome. so are the people in my institute classes. their faces are radiant and their spirits are familiar and comfortable to me. the people here make me euphoric. 

so there's that.

okay, story time. 

for those of you who don't know, i was hired on as a delivery girl at pizza hut. 

(that's jess, my roommate. she is a manager there. i look like a little kid in this picture. whateva)

it was a great job because i spent a lot of time just listening to music in my car and sightseeing st. george. it was also great because my car smelled like baked cheese and hot wings 100% of the time, which all the guys found super appealing (not). unfortunately, as you know, every job has its good parts and its bad parts. i ended up putting in my two weeks after a miscommunication concerning availability between my manager and i. according to my memory, i had asked her when i was interviewing if they were okay with my availability (no Sundays/Tuesdays and no mornings on weekdays) and she had told me that, "of course they were willing to work around my availability. they are very flexible with hours" etc, etc. long story short, i ended up getting scheduled for a Sunday shift. when i called in and told her that i was not available on Sundays, she told me that everyone has to take their turns working on Sunday. after lots of prayers and unsuccessfully trying to find someone who could cover my shift, i ended up going in on Sunday. 

you guys.

it was the hardest thing i've ever done.

not only did i cry for 3 hours after getting my answer, but i cried for and hour before going into work and then i cried for two hours after i got off. 

some people can work on Sundays and stay strong in the faith and feel fine with it. let me tell you: if you are one of those people i admire you. i cannot do it. it was so draining to my spirit. at the time, i couldn't understand why the Lord would direct me to work on Sunday. to be honest, i was totally gung-ho to call in and quit right then and there and tell them that my religion was more important to me than my job. i wanted to keep the commandments. i was ready to show the Lord that i would choose him over anything. 

that's not what He wanted for me. He had something else to teach me. i am grateful for His lesson in patience and understanding, but i am more grateful for the reassurance that i never have to go back there again. i learned what i was supposed to. praise Him for that.

anyway :) i put in my two weeks and finished my time there in a respectful and positive way. i was sad to leave my new friends, and it was trying to my faith... not know if i would have a source of income in order to pay my bills and feed myself, but i know that the Lord always provides for those who follow His words. i am happy to announce that i found an even better job. i was hired on for seasonal help at sees candy making $9.50 an hour. isn't that great!? 

but in honor of my time at pizza hut, i've compiled a list of things that i learned while driving for them. in order to make things a little bit easier for my fellow pizza deliverers across the nation, i hope you will read my words and follow my advice. here goes.

things you should take into consideration when ordering a pizza:

if you're going to yell at the delivery girl no matter what she does to placate you, don't call back unless it's to apologize.

don't order anchovies, even if you think you like them. you don't. they smell like toe fungus and can't taste all that good, either. your poor delivery girl had to gag all the way down riverside drive to your apartment, and the stench is still present on her passenger seat cushion. she's not happy.  

to all the morticians out there: i used to think you were creepy. thank you for proving me wrong. 

to anyone who is under the impression that morticians are creepy: morticians are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. 

please don't place a web order for a delivery pizza if you don't know your own address. you can't just make up a fake address for a delivery. furthermore, don't blame your delivery girl when she's late getting it to you. she just spent 20 minutes trying to find the address you gave her. guess what? it didn't exist.

don't ask your delivery person to go around to your back door or come down to your basement. it's creepy under all circumstances. your pizza is being brought straight to your house. the least you can do is walk to the front door, does your laziness know no bounds!? (unless you can't walk, then this doesn't apply to you and i am horribly sorry for your disability)

if you order over $50 of pizza and drinks and don't tip your delivery boy/girl, it really is like a slap in the face. even stingy $1-$2 tips are insulting. tip your delivery people as if they were your server at your favorite restaurant. we only make $4/hr and we need your help to pay for college and the occasional grinder combo from nielsons (which we love). 

lastly, don't tell us to "come in" when we're delivering to your hotel room. we can't open your door - we'd need a key for that. we don't have a key for that. not to mention our hands and arms are full of pizza and credit card receipts. help us help you.

anyway. 

thank you, to the big tippers out there. it's because of you that i've been eating the past three months. thank you to the people who were understanding when your deliveries got there late that one Friday night because my tire popped and my coworker had to deliver them all even though she's never done that before. thank you to the people who let their little girl answer the door and tell me all about what she's going to do for her grandpa's birthday party. she was adorable. thank you to all the people who didn't yell when you had every right to. thank you to the angry road rage guy who called back to apologize for scaring the life out of my eyes, even though i completely cut you off and didn't realize it. and lastly, thank you to my coworkers for making me laugh and for telling me your engagement stories and for not rolling your eyes when i asked a million stupid questions and mostly for being my friends.

i'm off to new places. but i'll never forget the old memories because i learned so much and they meant everything to me. 

i love this life. 

we thank thee, oh God

one year older and wiser too

the mouth piece of God

the leader of the church i love

and one of my personal heroes.

i love you, dear prophet.

happy birthday president thomas spencer monson.

i don't know much...

but i do know that:

i can see the temple from my apartment window

frozen custard makes my stomach smile

ron pope and rosi golan have beautiful voices and, more importantly, beautiful lyrics.

the D on the mountain is toward the west. i now have my bearings here in this little town.

you can almost always find a place to get free food. most of the time, it's in the institute building. freshman fifteen, here i come.

it's easiest to play guitar when your fingernails are cut short

i am liking each little piece of my college life so far. 

there is someone i am missing very much. but he put my name in the temple again today, so i'm going to be okay. we're going to be okay.

the people in my institute class are spiritual giants. i will be well fed by them

despite the heat, the sun's rays will not actually melt my tires. 

i tear up when i listen to "called to serve"

i discover brand new things every single day. there is so much for me to learn. 

also, this gospel is true. every single day.